Dear handsome man in the tight pants at Winco,
I really am.
In retrospect, I don’t blame you for shooting me a weird look and walking away. I would have walked away, too. I even feel a little sorry for you. I mean, you were obviously about to buy some kind of meat. I noticed you pondering the choices out of the corner of my eye as I walked up to stand beside you.
I wonder, were you going to buy a steak? Maybe you were going to enjoy one of the dwindling days of summer and grill it up on your BBQ? Maybe you were going to buy some stew meat, and make something in your crockpot the next day?
I’ll never know, and I guess neither will you, since I chased you away.
It wasn’t my intention at all. Really. I’m doing so much better than I used to. Please, you gotta believe me. It’s just….
I mean, have you ever seen ground beef packaged like that? I haven’t. Usually you only see it in those three pound sausage-casings of ground beef, you know? But this was, like, the mother of all ground beef packages. It was crazy. I can’t remember the exact weight, but it was, like, somewhere between 10 and 20 pounds of ground beef. I didn’t even realize that they could sell that much ground beef at one time.
And have you noticed that the price of beef skyrocketed this year? It’s crazy, isn’t it? When I inquired about price-per-pound at my local fair, did you know I found out that all the beef had already been sold ahead of time? People were getting the same price for their beef cattle without “dressing them out” on grain as they did for “finished beef” last year. I wonder why it’s so expensive this year?
But you know, I’ll never know how you feel about that, because I chased you away from the meat section of Winco. I chased you away, and you left empty-handed, and for that I’m really sorry.
It’s just… dude. Had you ever seen a tube of ground beef that was so big? It was insane! It was, like, almost too big for me to carry with two hands. Like, I couldn’t even wrap both hands around it, and the packaging had to have been about 2 feet long. Who needs that much ground beef at one time?
And the price was discounted! They’d dropped the price from $31 to $21! At that price, it was almost cheaper than chicken. What the heck happens to ground beef to make it that cheap? Would I give us all food poisoning if I bought it? Was it worth it?
And so, mesmerized by the price per pound, I approached the meat display area beside you. And at first… you know, it was okay. You were standing there, doing your thing. I was standing there, doing my thing…
And then I started talking out loud. To myself. I know, I know. It’s a horrible habit, and I really need to quit it.
“Wow. That is just a really impressive tube of meat. It’s just so… so thick! Look at it. Wow, it’s so big. That’s a lot of meat. Wow. Look at the… circumference? What an impressive tube of meat – just a big, huge, hunk of impressive meat. I bet I couldn’t even wrap my hands around it, it’s so thick. That is just really impressive.”
And I don’t blame you for the look you gave me before you walked away. I really don’t. I know there are a lot of off-color stereotype jokes about black Americans, but I assure you, I really was just looking at the ground beef. I mean, I would hope that if I were actually flirting with you I’d do a better job than that… but yeah, I get it.
Just… can I ask you a favor?
Can you never go to that particular Winco, ever again? I think it’s best if we never see each other, ever again.
And again… sorry 😦