…. Long as I got my plaaastic Jesus….

Jesus kept getting stuck between the couch cushions.

Every time I vacuumed, it was inevitable: He’d get stuck in the hose, causing the vacuum to make a weird noise. I’m pretty sure that’s the sole purpose of plastic figurines – well, that and being stepped on.  Thankfully,He had his hands outstretched in prayer, so they’d catch on the outside of the hose and keep him from getting trapped deep in the hose and really breaking things, but still – it was annoying.

So, after the third time of rescuing him from a sucky death, I sighed, and with no small amount of guilt I threw Jesus in the trash.

Unfortunately, I didn’t toss the trash in the outside trash can fast enough, and my little hoarders have learned to check it regularly to see if I’m tossing out some of their toys. (What can I say?  If it were up to them, they’d keep every single broken toy they ever come across.)  I can’t ‘say that I blame them, but it does make me feel a little weird, to have them digging through the trash looking for treasures.

Anyways, The Squid just came up to me, lower lip poking out, eyebrows lowered as he glared at me in accusation. “Why you do that? Why you throw Jesus in the trash?”  He extended his palm, and there lay plastic Jesus, His little arms lifted up at me, silently beseeching.  “Don’t do that. I love Jesus. Don’t do that, Ma.”

And then Squid ran off to the play room to put Jesus in the front seat of his little truck, so he could crash him into the wall and cause Him to die in dramatic ways, again and again.
And this, folks, is why it’s a really, really bad idea to make tiny plastic Jesus figurines. Just sayin’.

Use Your Imagination….. Just Not Like That

I cracked my eyes open to find a pair of green eyes staring intently at me from only a few inches away.

It wasn’t the first time the DragonMonkey had decided to wake me up by staring at me silently, without blinking, but it didn’t make it any less creepy.

“Hey, DragonMonkey.”

“Look, Mama.”  He stared at me hard, willing me to notice.  And how could I not?

Sometime after waking up he’d sneaked down to the basement and found the two balloons I’d tossed down there the day before. Yes, blowing up two balloons had helped him and The Squid burn off some energy on a cold, rainy afternoon, but after an hour of them playing “Let’s Hit Everything in Sight, Including Each Pets and Breakable Items, All While Laughing Hysterically“, I’d had enough. When toys are used for evil they get banished to the basement.

Apparently the fate of those poor, banished balloons had been on his mind all night, because the second DragonMonkey woke up he crept down to rescue them.

And rescue them he did.  He stood in front of me, clutching them proudly to his chest, back arched as he showed them off.

I blinked a couple of times as I stared at the way they pressed together, forming an impressive red and green cleavage, and cleared my throat before answering.  “I… I see. You have the balloons.”

“No, LOOK, Mama.”  His back arched even more, and I found myself flashing back to Orange County and all its plastic glory.

“Yes.  Two balloons.  DragonMonkey, can you give me a moment to finish waking up?”

“No, LOOK.  I’m like you.”

Like me?

“Like you, Mama.  See?  They’re like what you have!”  He jerked his chin in the direction of my own chest.

Oh, oh, please let it just be my dirty mind.  Please, please don’t let him be saying what I think he’s saying.  “I… I don’t want to jump to any conclusions when it’s still six in the morning..  DragonMonkey, what do you mean?  What are those supposed to be?”

“They’re like you’re, uh…. Uh… My words not good, I don’t know…. They’re like yours.  Like what have, on you.  Your private area – that you gave milk to the Squid with, in Huntington Beach.  Like those!”  He squeezed his hands, causing the giant plastic globes to wiggle obscenely.

I mean, I’m all for kids using their imagination, but why?  Why couldn’t I have given birth to someone who woke up early and decided to just go watch some cartoons like a normal kid?  Did he really have to come in and wake me up so I could admire his brand new, imaginary, red and green giant boobies?

“DragonMonkey… just… just go watch cartoons and let me make some coffee.  Then we’ll deal with this.”


It ain’t for the faint of heart.