A New Low

Xerox the cat is fat and healthy.

She’s a sweet, happy, OUTDOOR cat. We tried to make her an indoor cat, but we ran into a little problem.

She pees in the house.

She doesn’t mark her territory – she actually squats and leaves a puddle.  The first night she stayed inside the house, she peed on the kitchen floor. 

I moved one of our three (THREE!) kitty litter boxes upstairs and out of the basement, thinking maybe she didn’t know we had litter boxes.

The next night she slept inside she jumped up on the kitchen counter and peed on a plastic bag I had left out.

I didn’t know the pee was there, so when I moved the bag the next morning, it scattered cat pee all over the kitchen. 

And seriously, is there anything worse than cat pee?

The next day, on her way out the door, she backed up to the vacuum cleaner and sprayed it with pee to mark it.

She is now an outside cat, despite her sweet nature and the way she likes to sleep under the  covers at night.

Still, every once in awhile, despite our vigilance, she manages to sneak in – and when she does, she pees on something. 

It’s hard to dislike a cat that sweet, but I’m learning to do it…..especially after what happened.

A couple of weeks ago I took the boys swimming at the local pool.  I hadn’t planned on doing it until the next morning, but the DragonMonkey misunderstood what I meant when I told him we were doing it later.  I had told him we’d go swimming, tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep.  He ignored the “tomorrow” portion of description, and when he woke up from his nap, he came bounding down the stairs.  “FWIMMING!  We’re goin’ fwimming!” 

When I tried to convince him that I’d meant we’d go “fwimming” tomorrow, his face crumpled with legitimate devastation. Something about the way he turned away instead of whining, trying to be brave—it tugged at my heart.  Glancing up at the clock I saw that there was still forty minutes left of the afternoon session. 

To heck with it.  “DragonMonkey, if you get in your swim trunks, right now, we can go swimming.”

He disappeared back upstairs with a flash of skinny legs, while I ran around the house, shoving towels and floaties and goggles and swim diapers and various other paraphernalia in the swim bag, before trotting upstairs to wake The Squid up from his nap.  Three minutes later we were in the car and on the way to the pool.  It had to be some kind of a record.

When we got to the pool, the lady behind the counter took one look at us before glancing at the clock over her shoulder.  “You’ve only got thirty minutes until we’re closed,” she warned.

“We’ll be quick,” I said with a smile, herding the boys into the small family changing room and closing the door behind us.

As I stripped clothes off kids and dragged their swim suits on them, I couldn’t help but notice the faint smell of cat pee rising up from the bag.

Great.  Just…. Just great.  That stupid cat had peed on the bag.  She was sweet, but man, I was really beginning to dislike that cat.

And then I went to go blow up the floaties.

I was in a hurry – I had less than 30 minutes to get the kids dressed, showered, in the pool, and then exercised well enough that they wouldn’t throw a fit about having to get out so soon.

I was in a hurry. 

I learned something that day.

Did you know that after cat pee sits in a puddle for a week or two that it dries out and becomes flaky, condensed cat pee? 

I was in a hurry – and I didn’t look at the arm floatie before I put the little plastic tab in my mouth to blow it up. 

Which is why I did not notice the  dried-out puddle of cat pee around the tab before I put it into my mouth, using my teeth to open the lid.

Which is how I ended up popping an entire little puddle of condensed cat pee flakes into my mouth.

I’ve had a lot of gross stuff happen to me.

I have never had anything that gross happen to me before.

I’m here to let you know that eating condensed cat urine is about as nice as it sounds.

Also, you know how cat pee smell never seems to go away, no matter how much you wash it?

Yeah, well, cat pee taste is kind of the same way.

Xerox is a sweet cat, don’t get me wrong, but I doubt I’ll ever really like her again.

Free cat.  Does anyone want a free cat?  Very friendly.  Excellent mouser.  Fantastic with dogs and children.

Not-so-tasty pee.

Anyone?

Do I have any takers?

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15 thoughts on “A New Low

  1. Oh.My.God. There is nothing worse than cat pee and I have only the greatest sympathy for you. Even if I did still laugh a little. A sympathy laugh?

    My old guy has been peeing once in awhile in inappropriate places. I've actually had the exact plastic bag experience with concentrated semi-dried pee. Fortunately the splatter missed my mouth. He peed on my riding helmet. He's peed twice in my husband's cycling shoes. Last cat I will ever own!

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  2. Oh my God, Becky. I'm speechless. I'm not sure, after all that, if “outside” is far enough!

    That said, we have a notorious sprayer that is now 18 years old. He has sprayed all of his life – although he has gotten somewhat better as he's gotten older. He is very sweet and would like to be a house cat, but absolutely not. I have a heat lamp over a box outside since he and another old cat (20 this year! She's semi-feral) need the extra warmth.

    I'm printing this story to give to my other half – who is the “cat person” of the family. Yes, I thought it was funny, but in a commiserating sort of way! GROSS!!!!

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  3. That's so, so gross. Xerox sounds like she'd be a wonderful barn cat, as she can't figure out the purpose of a litter box. She may have never used one before. To introduce my cats to the box, I usually put them in there, grab their little leg, and make their paw dig a hole in the litter. They usually act offended and jump out, but it gives them a proper introduction.

    It reminds me of why we haven't allowed one of the local cats to join our inside cats. He's really sweet, but he's a tom, and chances are that our peaceful, nice-smelling house would get bombed.

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  4. I have real sympathy, I do.
    But my mother's cat Butter of many years is getting old now.
    I took a nap at my parents house one day recently, and he came to cuddle up to me. Ahhh, sweet. He sat on my butt like he did when I was younger, purring. Ahhh, cute.
    I felt the warm trickle…that's not…
    YOU JUST PEED ON ME. I WAS TAKING A NAP.

    A few weeks later, he peed on my new wool peacoat. And people wonder why I'm a dog person.

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  5. I'd take Xerox, but there's the whole problem of plane ticket and health cert. She would have a wonderful life here, hunting outside.

    But, never, ever inside. There's a reason two of the former house cats live outside. Did I ever tell you about what happened to the Cuisinart Grind and Brew, my dream coffee maker? Yeah, our barn cats were inside to make the trip to the new place. One of them climbed on top of the coffee maker and peed. It went into the carafe. I, as usual, did a quick rinse and fill of the carafe the next morning. The entire house smelled like hot cat pee in minutes. I cried when I threw the coffee maker away. Now, if they need to be inside for any reason, the barn cats are limited to the garage, or a bathroom if the garage has peeps occupying it.

    I really, really miss that coffee maker!

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  6. I like cats. Really.
    I will never, ever, ever have one in the house again. I agree with AareneX, cats will pee inappropriately when they don't feel good. Or if you get a new baby. Or a new cat, dog, piece of furniture…Peeing inappropriately seems to be their primary means of communication.
    BTW, I laughed so hard I might have peed myself, just a little.

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  7. Oh yes. Sort of a salty garlicky taste with a little something extra…

    I knew I had a cat who spayed, yet I still left my water cup within spraying range. At least mine was diluted.

    And now if you say something 'tastes like cat pee' no one can argue with you.

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  8. I agree with AareneX feline urinary tract infections (UTI)can cause inappropriate urination, so can bladder crytals. All of the veterinary clinincs I worked in always tested for UTI when a cat peed where it shouldn't. I was amazed at how many of them had infections or crytals.
    I met one woman who put her indoor cat in a cat condo type kennel for 3 years for peeing in the house, before she had her tested and by then the cat had bladder stones. Which were much more expensive to deal with.

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  9. I'm giggling so hard! You're reminding me of the woman that checked out ahead of me in Target a few weeks ago. As she put the toaster she just bought in the cart she said something along the lines of, “This one isn't a Christmas present, the cat peed on the last one.” I had to ask her for clarification and she told me how she found out when she started toasting her bagel that morning…

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  10. I feel like I should apologize for laughing. OMG.

    In kitty's defense, when you first decied to give her the actual housecat try, she should have been confined to a cage with a litter box.

    Good to go, try a room with linoleum and a litter box.

    Only then would I try the house.

    Now that she thinks peeing anywhere is the way to go, though… yes, outside is the best place for her.
    If you don't think you get over the taste of cat pee every time you see her, new home is best, too. 😉
    Many outside cats raised outside might not have experienced a litter box; they prefer something that will absorb the urine, but if they can't find it, they gotta go. It might not be an indication of illness, just lack of training.

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