Why The Idea of Homeschooling Frightens Me

Welcome to your first day at Becky Bean Academy!  As the principal, teacher, and leader of this fine institution, I’d like to welcome you to–

DragonMonkey, GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF THE TOILET!  SQUIDGELET, YOU TOO!  You guys are not babies anymore… why are you still doing that? SIT DOWN IN YOUR CHAIRS!

Ahem.  I’d like to welcome you to this place of learning.  Within these walls I will —

Where was I? Ah, yes.  Within these walls we will dedicate ourselves to the processes of education, and higher—DragonMonkey, quit picking your nose— learning. 

As my children, I know the depths of your intelligence, and I expect great things from – Squidgelet, quit biting your brother!  NOW! — great things from both of you.  Now, if you will please open your booklets…


Fine.  You may go potty.  Squidgelet, do you have to go?  No?  Okay, just read your book quietly until DragonMonkey returns.

Now, if you will please open your booklets…


Why didn’t you go at the same time as your brother?  I asked if you had to go… No, fine.  Go. 

Please open your booklets.  These booklets list the classes you will be taking this year.  In addition to the regular courses you would expect to find, such as Reading, Arithmetic, and History, you will find that you can sign up for some extra credit courses.  These courses have been specifically chosen as a result of the strengths of our faculty.  Here at Becky Bean Academy we want to offer the finest of education, and as such we are only offering courses that are commiserate with our current instructor’s experience.   If you are seeking any clarifications or would like further information on the courses before making your decision, feel free to raise your hand and ask a question.

You in the front— DragonMonkey?  Yes?  Oh, yes, “Forgetfulness 101” – that is a lovely course.  Well, the course is an in-depth study on how to forget… uh, stuff.  What kind of stuff?  Well, it should be listed under the main header…. right beneath “Course Description”….

What? There’s no course description?  Whoops!  I know I wrote one up – I must have accidentally printed an earlier draft.  My bad.  Well, it’s a great class – all about forgetting stuff.  I’ll get you more info later – try to remind me after class – I can’t find my pen to jot down a reminder note right now.  I will let you know that you might consider taking it, as “Forgetfulness 101” is a prerequisite for some of our more popular advanced courses:  “Where’s My Cell Phone?” and “Have You Seen My Keys?” 

Yes, Squidgelet?  Oh, yes, I see you’re looking into the Humanities section of our electives…. “The Art of Being Scattered“.  That’s a great course.  The teacher in that course has a lot of life experience and training to share with you.  Oh, What’s it about?  Well, it’s kinda about a lot of stuff.  It starts off with a really neat, well-researched article about right brain versus left brain dominance – there’s even some really pretty graphs!  Then it just kinda… I dunno.   The teacher kind of shows a lot of stuff on the Internet, and tends to get distracted by XKCD comics…. There’s something about butterflies?  And a lot of references to horses?  The attendance policy is really lax – the teacher sometimes gets distracted and forgets to show up, so she’s pretty easy on the students. 

I’m sure you all have a lot of questions about the courses,  but if you can turn your attention to… CRAP!  Where’s the smoke coming from? 

Oh, man, I was cooking something in the oven… Crap, crap, crap…… NO!  Don’t say crap—crap’s a bad word.  Yes, Mommy said it… just forget about it! Open the windows!  Get me a pot holder!  Uh… class dismissed!


6 thoughts on “Why The Idea of Homeschooling Frightens Me

  1. Oh Becky, that is funny–but as a homeschooling mom, I'd just like to point out that in real life homeschooling is a GREAT option, and need not involve formal speeches to biting toddlers (!) Hope you don't let it frighten you too much–other than for humorous blog post purposes.


  2. Oh god Mugs, not Catholic school… you know what that does to little boys? lol

    Go for it Becky, you'd be a fantastic teacher… Ok, I'm just looking forward to the laughs that homeschooling will bring…


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