Sometimes they’re sweet.
Sometimes they’re adorable.
Sometimes you wish you were a Velociraptor so you could grab them with your big angry toe claw, flip them into your mouth, and eat them.
I was so excited to play Guess That DragonMonkey. “It’s going to be a blast, Bean!” I said excitedly. “Every single day, I’ll post a new clue. Having a new post every day will generate excitement, and I’ll get a lot of response. Then, after a week of counting down, I’ll do the big reveal!”
“That’ll be fun,” said the Bean in a distracted fashion, nose-deep in an accounting textbook.
“No, really, it’s going to be awesome!”
“I’m sure it will be.”
“Can’t you just see him? He’ll be grinning at the camera, showing off all his cuteness…. Maybe I’ll have him wear his cute fedora hat for each of the videos…. I wonder what I should have him say? Maybe a new word every day? Maybe I can have him hold a sign with a clue? Maybe I can get him to talk a little about the secret, and give clues that way? Maybe…”
And so on, and so on. I had the best of plans. The first clue would come out on Monday. I’d post a clue a day, with the grand finale on Friday, choose through all the winners over the weekend, and make the big announcement on the 6th.
Without a post.
On Tuesday everyone in the house was sick. I figured nobody needed to see dripping, snotty noses so I used a practice video that I made about two months ago and did my post.
I actually got a lot of responses – it was a lot of fun.
In fact, the responses were so fun, that now I’m actually a little bit disappointed by what my news actually is. Here is your one and only clue:
We’re not getting a pony. 😦
Trust me: The day I get back into owning horses instead of borrowing other people’s horses, you will all know about it. I won’t bother with secret little videos and guessing games. It will probably just be a picture of a horse, followed by a bunch of “WHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!! HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”, and maybe another picture of the horse.
Anyways, Wednesday night rolled around and I pulled out my phone, ready to video tape the next installment.
“DragonMonkey, say ‘blahblah’.” (< — Hah. You thought I was going to make a mistake and accidentally spill the beans, didn't you?)
“DragonMonkey, seriously, quit messing around. Here, look at the camera.”
“Wanna see! Give me! Wanna see!” He twisted up from the couch, lunging for my phone.
“NO. Don’t touch. Just look at it. Say ‘blahblah’.”
He stared at me moodily. “No.”
“Look, I’ve had a really long day. I know you’re in a bad mood, but so am I. Let’s just get this over with. Just say ‘blahblah’, and I’ll go finish dinner.”
“DragonMonkey,” I snapped, “I”m not asking. I’m telling you. SAY ‘BLAHBLAH’.” I glared at him, camera waiting, ready to capture the cuteness.
“NO!!! NO!!!! NO!!!!” He threw himself down melodramatically on the couch., thrashing in anguish.
“Sit up right now, young man! You sit up, face this camera, and you say ‘blahblah!”
“NO! I hate blahblah! HATE BLAHBLAH! HATE BLAHBLAH!” He burst into hysterical tears, flopping about on the couch like a dying fish.
“FINE.” I shoved the phone in my pocket, annoyed at myself for the way I handled the situation. The post could just wait until tomorrow.
The next day:
“DragonMonkey! Gotcha!” I swooped him up, tickling him as he twisted about, squealing with laughter. Once again I’d come home from work to find him in a terrible mood. I’d been chasing after him for the last thirty minutes, trying to tickle it out of him.
“Hahahahahahahahaahaha! More tickle! More! You can’t get me, Mama!” He wiggled out of my grasp and danced impatiently, just out of my reach.
I leaned on the couch, panting. This was exhausting. “Hold on a second, DM. Mama’s out of breath.”
The smile slipped from his face immediately, and his eyebrows lowered ominously. “No. No ‘hold on’. Come get me,” he demanded.
And that’s all it took.
“Noooo!” he screeched, throwing himself onto the floor. “Nooo wait! NOOOOO! Heeeeelp! HEEEELP ME!!! HEEEEEELP MEEEEEEE!!!!!”
I stepped over his prone, shrieking body with a grimace, heading over to close the living room windows. It sounded like I was skinning him alive.
“Nooo! NOOO! HELP! HELP! HELPHELPHELPHEEEEEEELP MEEEEEE…. NO!!!!!”
Seriously, I have no idea why the neighbors haven’t called Child Protective Services on me yet.
Needless to say, we didn’t get the cute video that night, either.
Or the next.
The little booger’s been in a grumpy, uncooperative mood all week. So, finally, I resorted to everyone’s favorite parenting method:
Last night we went to the used video store and bought a copy of The Polar Express, a film he’s seen only once and has been clamoring to watch again every since.
About thirty minutes ago I laid him down on the couch, turned on about three minutes of it (just enough to get him excited about it), and then put it on pause. I took out my camera and stood in front of him.
“No, Mama! More! More movie!” He squirmed on the couch, trying to see around me.
“Do you want me to turn the movie back on?”
“YES! MORE MOVIE!”
“Young man, you do not demand, and you do not talk to adults in that tone of voice. When you want something, you ask. Politely.”
“Please! Please! Please, more movie, Mama!” He twisted in anticipation.
“Then say “blahblah”.”
“I can’t! I can’t say ‘blahblah’…”
“YES, you can. Look, if you want to see this movie ever again,” I said, feeling a little bit like a hostage taker, “They you will look at this camera, and you will say it.”
And miracle of miracles, he actually said it:
So, there you go. The final clue. I hope you guys appreciate what I had to go through to get it for you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go enjoy the last thirty minutes of relaxation before the movie ends and Angry the DragonMonkey goes on the rampage again.
Remember: Guesses to the email (firstname.lastname@example.org)