This Can’t Be My Son

I like to be dirty.

No, I’m not talking in a fetish, adult kind of a way. I mean I like being grubby. Getting dirt on me doesn’t bother me in the least, and I could really care less about germs.

As a kid my favorite thing to do was to play in the mud.

As an adult, not much has changed.

When I drop my fork on the floor… you know what I do? I pick it up.

It’s the floor. It’s not like I tend to eat knee-deep in fresh manure.

When I’m in public or around polite society, I pretend to care if I drop a piece of food on the floor. I’ll wrap it up in my napkin and toss it in the trash or place it beside my plate, bemoaning the loss.

When I’m by myself, I’m not quite so finicky. Pick it up, blow off the cat hair, and pop it in your mouth. Am I right? Who’s with me on this?

In fact, when I lived by myself, not only did I live by the “five-second” rule… I kind of stretched it out. It was more like a “Finder’s Keepers” rule.

So, NATURALLY, I would give birth to this:

Who IS this child? He can’t possibly be mine.

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7 thoughts on “This Can’t Be My Son

  1. I'm with you. No problems eating stuff off the floor and cat/dog hair is organic, right?!? I once stood in line for 15 minutes for an ice cream cone at the racetrack only to knock the dips off the cone on the first lick. You better believe I scooped the icecream up, brushed off the debris and continued eating it. I was 14 at the time, guess I wouldn't, or shouldn't, do that stuff in public anymore.

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  2. Oh, come on. I live the best parts of my life in a ridecamp, where if the water is hot, it's because we heated it over a campstove sometime during the day. Yeah, like THAT happens a lot…

    I share bites of apple with my horse, and share bites of sandwich with my dog. Germs are not an issue. (also, and I'm sure this is a coincidence, I rarely get colds or flu).

    As for your child: it's a phase. He'll be fine. Soon you'll be taking movies of bathing him and then letting him run out into the mud to roll.

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  3. We definitely live by the finders keepers rule in our house….actually its more like the survival of the fittest and fastest….with two dogs and a 15 year old boy no food is safe!!!! Since my teenager is the black hole of food consumption, the younger ones have learned that if you want it you better fight for it or it's long GONE!!! And that includes whatever hit the floor!!!

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  4. When I inherited my stepdaughter, at the tender age of 5, she was the little girl you could send outside in a white dress and would come back in pristine. No kidding. It took me all of 6 months to teach her how to play outside and how to get dirty. I think her mother still hates me for this.

    Now, at the suddenly more grown up age of almost 10, she is into fashion and LIKES to be clean. She rides horses at a prissy barn, where all the work is done for her already.

    Guess what??? I can't wait to get my hands on her this summer and make her muck stalls! Mwhahahahahaha!

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