What Am I Going to Do With Two Kids?



How tonight would have gone down in my single days:

“Hi, I’m here about the ad for the tv stand?”

“Oh, yes. I’m sorry, we don’t have any of that particular model in stock, but I can show you a slightly smaller one so you can get an idea if you’d like it.”

That’d be great.”

We walk over to the tv stand.

“Oh, that’s pretty. And the center drawer can be removed, so we can fit all the equipment in the glass section?”

“Yes.”

“And it comes in this color?”

“Yes.”

“Wonderful. I’d like to order it.”

“Thank you. Sign here, here, and here, and we’ll give you a call when it’s in stock.”

“Thank you.”

****************

How tonight REALLY went down:

“Hi, I’m here about the ad for…DRAGONMONKEY, GET BACK HERE… for the tv stand?”

“Oh, yes. I’m sorry, we don’t have any of that particular model in stock–“

AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA!

“Yes, I see the drinking fountain. I’ll get you some water in a second. SHHHH. I’m sorry, what?”

“I said, we don’t have any of that model in stock…”

AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA! AGUA!

DRAGONMONKEY, HUSH! If you don’t knock it off, no water for you. EVER.”

Agua? Agua? Mas Agua? Bye Bye? Go? Go? Go? Go? Go Car? GO?”

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

“…but I can show you a slightly smaller one so you can get an idea if you’d like it?”

“Huh? Oh, uhm… sure. What? Sure. Whatever…DRAGONMONKEY, NO TOUCH! DON’T TOUCH THAT! DROP IT!”

We head in the direction of the tv stands, the DragonMonkey lunging left and right, straining against the leash of his monkey backpack like an angry pitbull.

“TAKE MY HAND. NOW. DON’T TOUCH.”

“Ma’am, this is the tv stand. It’s slightly smaller, but….”

“I’m sorry, one moment…” I interrupt her and bolt (well, waddle, really) after the DragonMonkey, who has somehow managed to yank his monkey leash out of my hand and is flying helterskelter towards the open door and parking lot.

DRAGONMONKEY, WAIT!”

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Go! Go! Go! Hahahahahahahahaha!

I catch up with him, lunging forward to grab his collar the second before he hits the street, and end up grabbing some of his hair with it.


Ow! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MWAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! OWWWWWWWW!

I bend over and hoist him up to my shoulder (no small feat, seeing as how my due date is only days away) and huff my way back into the store.

OW! OWWW! OWWWWWWWWWW!

The DragonMonkey sobs incoherently, grasping at the back of his head melodramatically.

“I’m sorry, what were you saying?” I raise my voice to be heard over his tortured screams.

Uhh… I was saying this is similar… to, uh…”

The young woman in front of me is obviously childless. She keeps glancing at the DragonMonkey, and then back at me, waiting for me to acknowledge his obvious injury.

“He’s fine. He’s just tired. What about this tv stand?”

“It’s similar in style, but slightly, uh… smaller…” She seems distraught at my apparent lack of sympathy, so I give in to peer pressure and rub the DragonMonkey’s back absently.

The DragonMonkey calms his screams, mollified that I am at last acknowledging the grievous, evil, torturous thing I just did to him.

In fact, he’s so mollified that he immediately begins twisting around in my arms. “Go? Go? Go? Agua? AGUA? AGUA? AGUA?”

I drop him to the floor, taking a firm hold on the edge of the leash, wishing for the millionth time that it was legal to use a choke collar on a child. I’ve trained dozens of hyperactive dogs to heel… why can’t I manage one two-foot toddler?

“So, is there, uh, a big size difference between–STOP IT, DRAGONMONKEY — the two units?”

In an attempt to control him, I pick him up again. He immediately arches his back, flailing around like a seizure patient.

UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP! UP!

He’s saying up, but he means down, and eventually I drop him at my feet, where he begins straining at the leash again, lunging at glass table tops and suede leather couches that I am deliberately keeping just out of his reach.

I’m beginning to understand why some animals eat their young.

The saleslady and I start increasing the pace of the conversation, both of us sensing that a meltdown is only minutes away.

“Differences?”

“Smaller. Shorter. Same Style.”

“Same color?”

“Yes.”

“Price on the internet?”

“Yes.”

We sound like two auctioneers haggling over the price of a horse, but it gets the job done.

I mean, I know it’s my fault— the DragonMonkey has a cold. He missed his nap today. It was past his bedtime. I should have known better and not even tried to go to the store….

Still, what am I going to do with two? Good Lord. Good thing he’s cute.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “What Am I Going to Do With Two Kids?

  1. He is very cute.

    And after those first few days, you forget what it was like to only have one. It becomes a hazy memory of a better time, but lesser time, because you can't imagine life without the second one.

    I'm not making you feel any better am I?

    Like

  2. Veronica, what are you on? And would you mind sharing?

    Becky, I'll tell you the truth because I think you'll appreciate it. Two is SO much more work then one. I thought it would maybe double the work but I swear its some weird esoteric formula where two kids actually equals, like, 6x the work. By my third I had actually given up on getting anything accomplished ever and they're now raising themselves like a wolf pack.

    Just wait til he starts school…

    The good news is many of us have been there and most of us have made it through. If no one has eaten each other by the time they're about 10 you can at least have a fairly peaceful meal at a family restruant. I even like my 14 year old which I SO didn't expect (you know how teens can be) but he has great taste in books and he's interesting to talk to.

    Good luck!

    Like

  3. Your right he's cute, and the new one will be two. That's the only thing that keeps us from eating our young. We are genetically wired to protect and nurture “cute.” Oh, and that thing another blogger said about it getting better as they get older…that's true…to a point. If your trying to eat dinner and have a pleasant conversation with a 14-year-old girl as opposed to a boy it's a whole different story.

    Like

  4. Becky, I know I'm not making it easier but I rarely took my two out shopping, grocery or anything for that matter AND I didn't go out for a meal (unless it had a playground & happy meals) until Francis was about 3ish and only to IHOP/Norms for bfast. The kids are older but it doesn't make it much easier at times, now I have different issues with them arguing over EVERYTHING!! They always seem to do it when we're out in public & I can't do anything other than give them 'the stare!!'

    Like

  5. One will never seem like as much work ever, ever again.

    Vaya con dios, sistah. Mine do play with each other, even though they are 4 years apart.

    He is an adorable dragon. šŸ™‚ I can see why you haven't eaten him… yet.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s