Stupid Spam Messages

So, everybody gets stupid spam messages.

No matter how careful you are, I’m pretty sure it’s inevitable. Frankly, I think the whole cliche about death and taxes being the only sure thing should be amended. Something about spam emails should find its way in there, somehow.

I’ve decided that rather than fight the whole idea, I might as well amuse myself. Besides, it’s fairly easy to do. I mean, the computer-generated names that the emails claim to be from? They’re friggin’ AWESOME!

Coleman Riggs
Laurence Copeland
Tirath Singh
Darwin Abrams
Vito Franklin
Selena Barrow
Aimee Watts

Some of those names are quite pretty. In fact, now that I think about it.. maybe this is where famous actors/actresses get their stage names from. Think about it:

Gwyneth Paltrow
Johnny Depp
Keira Knightly
Orlando Bloom
Kirsten Dunst
Salma Hayek

I don’t know about you, but those two lists seem suspiciously similar. Hmmm.

Okay, and I know it’s totally uncouth to actually mention the off-color topics that are emailed to me… And I know I should just delete them without actually reading what they’re talking about… But come on….. This stuff is actually funny!

Let’s take the email from the above Coleman Riggs. It’s entitled Re: important. Seriously, if it’s important, we should open it right? So we will… and this is what we find inside:

Shell want to see if Sheldon really turned into Luciano Pavarotti, or if it just sounds that way. She walked up the side lawn to the cellar bulkhead which was almost directly below Pauls window. Each drop sparkled as it fell onto a narrow canal of ice which lay at the base of the barns side. Along with dirty birdie and fiddle-de-foof and all the others which Im sure will come up in time.

I mean, I can see how it might be important to see if Sheldon really does turn into Lucian Pavarotti, but why is Shell standing below Paul’s window? And where does the barn suddenly come from… And fiddle-de-foof? Dirty birdie? Huh? Now I’m really lost.

Right beneath this I can see excerpts from the three following messages:

Farm Passion Without Any Limits
Gillespie? The cop said, his pierced back arched….
Aerobomb orbicular fantastic

Yes. That’s right. Not only can I click on the first link and follow my inner longing to enjoy the beauty of Farm Passion, but on this site, it’s Passion Without Any Limits. I can’t help it. I almost want to click on it. I’m having visions of chickens boldly throwing aside societies’ conventions and tenderly making out with their sheep neighbors. Society be damned! This is love, cluck cluck!

I’m sure the reality of what’s on that site is much worse than that, but I still have to admit I’m intrigued.

And as for that Aerobomb orbicular fantastic… I think I’m actually going to include that one on
this year’s Christmas List. I don’t know what it is, but it sounds cool!

What about that police officer with the pierced back who’s hiccuping out “Gillespie”? Well, maybe I’ll just leave him alone. He kind of scares me.


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