Baby Equations

Without further ado, here is the interesting new subset of mathematics I have recently learned:

Baby Equations

Theorem #1: A baby’s cuteness is directly proportional to how much sleep you have gotten.

During the day, when I am not trying to sleep, this is what generally greets me whenever I look over at the DragonMonkey:

During the day, the DragonMonkey is adorable.
Naturally, he’s not *always* that cute. The DragonMonkey’s cuteness factor is readily affected by how much screaming he has done.

Still, he doesn’t really start getting ugly until late at night.

Late at night, he really goes downhill.

By 11 pm, when I’m sleepy and he’s still awake, he’s not very cute at all.

When he wakes up at 1 am, wanting to eat after less than two hours of sleeping, he’s rather disagreeable-looking.

When he refuses to go back to sleep after his 1 am feeding, wanting instead to be jiggled/rocked/soothed/held/cuddled/etc for over an hour before allowing me to lay back down… Well, his daytime cuteness starts becoming a distant memory.

By the time 4 am rolls around, and his hungry, angry grunts rip me out of a deep sleep… Well, THIS is what I usually find glaring up at me from the bassinet:

Is it really any wonder that every day, about 4 am, I start daydreaming of sneaking out the side door? I know I can’t be alone in this. I’m thinking that most mothers hide their knowledge of Baby Equations out of embarrassment, and fear of that they will be judged.

Well, I have no shame. When I am sleep deprived, holding the beautiful, shiny-eyed little infant I gave birth to has just about the same appeal as making out with a rabid sewer rat. So, there. Judge me if you will, but I’m willing to bet that those of you who are mothers know *exactly* what I’m talking about.

Ummm…. Wow.

If you’ll pardon the pun, breastfeeding sucks.

It hurts (even if you do have a good latch-on, it takes awhile to toughen up), and it’s actually kind of hard. During the depths of my despair in learning how to ever do it properly, I came across a saying that actually helped: Breastfeeding is a natural thing, but that doesn’t make it easy. It’s like childbirth: it’s a completely natural thing, but nobody would ever describe it as easy. I’ll post later about my foray into the world of lactation, complete with in-depth descriptions about nipple shields, and the medical miracle of food-to-spit up ration (whatever amount goes in, at least twelve times that amount will come back up if you don’t burp properly.)

Anyhow, I’m actually going to be going off in a few minutes to my first La Leche League meeting, in hopes of getting a few pointers from other moms on how to correct my mistakes. La Leche is, according to their website an organization dedicated to “helping mothers worldwide to breastfeed through mother-to-mother support, encouragement, information, and education, and to promote a better understanding of breastfeeding as an important element in the healthy development of the baby and mother.”

That’s a beautiful mission statement.

The only problem is THIS:

THIS is one of the photos at the top of the La Leche League information page.

Now, I’m all for breastfeeding. In fact, I know all the facts available for how healthy it is to breastfeed your child, and how the longer you breastfeed, the better off your kid will be. I know I shouldn’t poke fun at anybody, and that it’s wrong to mock….

Still.

Is it just me, or is that a REALLY big kid on that woman’s lap? It looks like he’s going to finish up with his snack and then ask his mom for some help with his pre-algebra homework. I sent an email off to my sister, stating that very same thing, and her response confirmed my suspicions:

“I’m thinking there were some real creative angles used to make sure she looked bigger than the kid. I bet she hands over the car keys when they’re done.”

A True Medical Mystery

I have encountered one of those strange, scientific phenomena that cannot be explained, and it leaves me uneasy.

Perhaps one of you out there can explain.

Can anyone tell me how this:

Manages to morph into this:

Every time I try to:

As someone who doesn’t believe in macroevolution, I find myself completely baffled.