Things I learned today instead of Physiology:
Useless Fact #1: There’s a guy in the Music Lounge, and his parents are, like, totally f***ing going, like, out of town for three whole f***ing weeks? And that’s totally f***ing awesome. Three whole f***ing weeks. He is SO going to have the biggest f***ing party.
Note: I was invited to the party because I couldn’t stop staring at said guy, and I believe that he misinterpreted my interest. I was starting at him because he had the weirdest beard. It was two parallel lines of a beard, about an inch apart, following his jawline and leading up to his goatee. I couldn’t figure out how he managed to create it… If he shaves, how does he manage to make the lines so straight? Does he wax? If he does wax, does he tell his friends? “Gee, Bob, I’d love to get together and get drunk tonight and ogle women, but I’ve got a waxing appointment at the local salon, and my skin will be all red and sensitive.”
Useless Fact #2: I am not alone. There are other terrible students out there in the world, who are just as scattered as I am, and they appear to be succeeding. I have hope! No, seriously, for those of you who know me…. look! I found my twin sister! Check it out:
Useless Fact #3: My left arm has a wrinkle on the forearm, but my right arm does not. Strange.
Useless Fact #4: I now, officially, have two grey hairs. I am twenty-five, after all. My first grey hair came in when I was 22. I named it after my ex-boyfriend. I’m not sure who I blame this hair on. Maybe I can name it Miss Fussy, the Fidgety Finance Follicle? I need money.
Useless Fact #5: Nobody gave me a million dollars over the weekend. I checked my bank account. It’s still near empty. Darnit.
Useless fact #6: The music lounge is one of the only places on campus that has comfortable chairs to sprawl on. Unfortunately, the music lounge’s definition of what is “music” and my definition of what is music really differ. I learned today that the music lounge actually caters to the student’s desires, when several people near me squealed in excitement when their “favorite” song came on… (it sounded exactly like the four hundred other pulsating rap songs that they’d played). The highlight of my afternoon came about the time the group of girls began laughing and singing along to the following lyrics (this is the stanza I purposefully set to memory):
I don’ want you ’round me no mo
Get away from me b****
I don’t want yo’ (crude reference to the female anatomy) no mo’
F*** you, b****
Oh, yeah, that’s MY favorite song, too. Weirdos.
Useless Fact #7: No matter how hard I try, I can’t move my pinky toe. On either foot. But I can spread my left big toe a little further than my right big toe.
Useless Fact #8: If I squeeze my calf, I can see cellulite underneath the skin. Great. Now the cellulite has moved from my heiny, down my thighs, and is invading my lower legs.
Useless Fact #9: There are a lot of time-consuming, really interesting blogs out there in the world. It’s much more fun reading other people’s blogs than actually living my own life.
Useless Fact #10: After completely WASTING your study time by screwing around and doing everything but studying, when you board the bus to go home you should dig around fruitlessly in your pocket for your misplaced bus fare. If you dig long enough, random strangers on the bus will pay your bus fare, because you’re such a hard-working, industrious little student.
Note: It’s important to be holding your big, heavy bags of schoolbooks. They make you look important, and studious.