Figuring out my finances



So, crazy young woman that I am, I’m back in the hiring process to be a 911 Dispatcher. Of course, it’s not exactly by choice— as a poor college student with “Moderately low” credit and no cosigner, I need a job if I want to continue with luxuries such as eating and paying rent. So, it’s back to work I go!

As much as I’d love to get a job at a local Starbucks (free coffee while you’re on shift!!! Who can deny the lure of such a wonderful thing?), I would like to make the most money/hour possible. I sat down and mapped out my finances, and as far as I can tell, I’ve boiled it down to a series of simple equations:

Food + Rent + University = Becky Needs More Money.

Now, if you increase the left side of the equation by a factor of STARBUCKS, I’ve found that it more than doubles the results of the right hand side. This can be expressed as follows:

STARBUCKS + Food + Rent + University = Becky Needs Massive Amounts of More Money

See? It’s all about simple mathematics. And my mom worries that I don’t spend enough time figuring out my finances… Pthht!

Now, as far as how many hours per week I’ll have to work in order to meet my financial goals, I’ve discovered an interesting fact: The wage of the job is inversely proportional to the amount of hours I need to work, which in turn is directly proportional to the amount of naps/day I can take. Here, let me illustrate with a simple example:

Now, Bill Gates hears about my passion for reading useless fiction books. After mulling this over for some time, he comes to the conclusion that all of Microsoft’s problems can probably be solved by having me hang around in his office, reading various books. In fact, my presence is ABSOLUTELY crucial to the continuance of his business. Realizing that, Bill Gates telephones me with an offer: In exchange for one day per month of hanging around in his office reading the latest best seller, he is willing to pay me, oh, thirty thousand an hour. It take some convincing, but eventually he does manage to talk me into taking this important job (actually, Bill Gates begs me on bended knee, his voice cracking slightly from the fear that I won’t help him.) Now, because this wage is more than adequate for my needs, I don’t have to do very much work.

Higher Wage Earned = Less Hours worked

Now, through my newly acquired wealth I’m able to purchase a car (YAY!), a personal chauffeur (So that I can do homework on long trips), and move closer to campus. In fact, I would probably hire a personal cook as well… and a housecleaner…. and…

Okay, you get the point. My newly acquired wealth frees up large chunks of my day, and enables me to purse an avenue of my life that is in desperate need of attention: My daily naps.

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